You Never Can Tell About Vulcans
by theCalliope
Summary: Some things about Spock surprise Nyota


_**Warning: This was written as part of a strange Vulcan genatalia challenge that I may or may not have initiated. It contains strange Vulcan genatalia :)**_

You never could tell about Vulcans. It was something Nyota had learned early on. Sure, you could read every book on Vulcan culture in the library and interview Vulcan exchange students as part of your _Practical Languages_ course, but there still would always be something that surprised you.

Like the robes. One night, after a nice dinner, Spock asked Nyota if she could put on some robes for him. She narrowed her eyes in disbelief. It wasn't that a guy had never asked her to put on a costume for him. She got that all the time. Her uniform was pretty popular, as was her cheerleader Halloween costume and there always was the odd guy that was willing to pilfer a nurse's uniform from sick bay. She'd even had a boyfriend who'd brought her a rabbit suit—not fishnets and bunny ears, but a full-body, furry suit. The demise of the relationship had come soon afterwards. But Nyota had never taken Spock as that sort of guy. And robes of all things. That just didn't seem very attractive.

"All I have is my bath robe," Nyota stammered.

"I have brought robes," Spock responded quickly.

Nyota stared at him uneasily. He hadn't just been thinking about robes, but had actually gone to the effort to procure them. Idly, Nyota wondered if they might be his mother's. Quickly, she broke that thought.

Spock handed her a garment, and she realized with a bit of relief that these weren't average robes. They looked silky and tight-fitting and obviously weren't for everyday wear. Walking into the bathroom, Nyota figured that maybe Spock liked them because they were pleasing to the touch. There was certainly lots of silky lingerie out there.

Once Nyota put them on, she decided they were pretty dull. They were black and long-sleeved and went all the way down to the floor. And they didn't quite fit. There was some extra space above the rear. Looking into the mirror, Nyota saw that the area had been deliberately sewn into bunches to leave space, and the entire area was surrounded by bright embroidery. She wondered if maybe it was a Vulcan version of a tramp stamp. But if anything, it detracted attention from her rear.

Shrugging, Nyota pulled the robes closed. She decided that if you had grown up on Vulcan, and the only women you had seen had been dressed in even bulkier robes, such a thing might seem attractive.

Spock looked at her raptly as she walked out of the bathroom. Soon she was in his arms, and soon his hands gliding across her robes. They travelled down her back and stopped at the bunching, spreading it as if looking for something. Nyota wondered if Spock might have gotten used to human clothing, and was looking for a zipper. She moved his hands to the knot at the front and he slowly untied it. Then she was on her back and then he was shoving himself into her entrance.

"Can you touch my back?" he whispered as he pushed into her, and Nyota, thinking that it was an odd but harmless request, complied.

"No, lower," he snarled, and she lowered her hands until she touched something ... wet.

"What is that?" she squealed, pulling her hands away.

"Chenesi," he said, "Testicles of the back."

You have testicles on your—" she started.

"Just touch them," he growled, moving his face closer to hers.

"But they're _gooey_," Nyota protested, still keeping her hands at her side.

"I hate to break it to you," Spock stated with a touch of arrogance, "But your private parts are also _gooey_."

Nyota tried to think of a retort to this, but failed, so reluctantly, she moved her hands back to where they had been and stroked gently. She was trying to avoid thinking about how slimy they felt when Spock growled loudly and pushed himself into her more deeply, sending a torrent of shivers down her spine. Weakly, she decided that even if she wasn't quite used to how they felt, touching them might be worthwhile.

In the morning, the previous night seemed so surreal that Nyota wondered if she'd dreamt it. But then she realized that she probably couldn't even dream something like that up.

"You do not think that I am strange, do you?" Spock asked her later that day. And truth be told, he wasn't the first guy who had asked her that. Fortunately, Nyota was human and had no trouble lying.

"Not at all, Spock."

A few days later, Spock and Nyota were walking down the halls when a female Vulcan in a Starfleet uniform walked by. And much to Nyota's chagrin, Spock checked her out.

"I saw you staring at her ass!" Nyota accused as soon as the woman was out of earshot.

Spock didn't respond.

"Your head might not have moved, but I saw your eyes looking towards her," Nyota went on.

"I was not staring at her ass," Spock replied calmly.

Nyota was about to cry bullshit when she realized that Vulcans couldn't lie.

"Well, then, you were staring at her legs or her ears or her superior sense of logic or something!" she yelled.

"I was not staring at her legs, or her ears, or her superior sense of logic," Spock answered in an even tone.

Nyota was about to provide a few more possibilities when she decided it didn't really matter anyhow. She settled with giving Spock an angry look.

A few days later, Nyota hadn't seen Spock for awhile decided to sneak up on him in his quarters. She wasn't quite sure what she planned to do. Maybe cover up his eyes from behind while he was grading, or find out if he wore underwear under his meditation robes. But when she walked in, he wasn't grading or meditating. He was looking at pictures of naked girls on his computer.

The one he was looking at now had a Vulcan girl partially bent over, with her back visible. _Vanessa Chenesa_ the banner said. Nyota was torn between scolding Spock for looking at such things and turning it into some sort of sexy game when she noticed that the girl had two round protrusions coming out of her lower back.

"What are those?" Nyota demanded. Spock turned around, surprised, and then quickly buttoned up the front of his pants.

"Chenesa," he said. Nyota knew that much from the name.

"Ovaries," Spock elaborated, "Round, firm ones are a sign of good fertility."

Nyota looked at him, flabbergasted.

"You mean Vulcan women have ovaries on their back ..."

Spock nodded, as if he thought it was something everyone knew.

"Now, these ones are fake," he continued, "Surgically enhanced. Not quite as pleasing as natural ones. They lack the firmness and bounce."

Spock said the words 'firmness' and 'bounce' rather lovingly and Nyota decided that she didn't like Spock criticizing the bodies of porn stars.

"Then why don't you find a site with the real deal?" she demanded loudly.

"Those are pay sites," Spock replied blankly.

Nyota stared at him in disbelief.

"Why haven't I seen this before?" Nyota asked finally.

"They only protrude at certain times of months, during which a woman would usually wear robes for comfort if nothing else," Spock answered before adding brightly "But sometimes you can see outlines."

"And I bet you spend a lot of time looking for outlines!" Nyota snapped, but she couldn't avoid being the slightest bit amused.

"Like a lot of men," he answered, "I spend a lot of time thinking about women. Which I suspect," he lowered his voice to a harsh whisper, "Is why you are here."

Nyota didn't resist when he pulled her into his lap and said "play" to the computer. But she couldn't help but smile wryly. You never could tell about Vulcans.


End file.
